Day 3

Day 3 – At the funeral, my sister Emily said, “When you’re in the ground, the earth is digesting you.”  Seeing the roots growing around my grandfather’s casket, snuggled next to his second wife, the loved one we were burying, nestled between her and his first wife, was actually comforting.

My grandfather died a year ago. Yesterday I went to his second wife’s funeral, then my brother, sister, and I drove to the beach where I swam in the ocean with 15 of my family members. I think we all wanted to celebrate life; celebrating life is a common grief ritual in Judaism.

The salty water was good. I could taste it even through my eyes. My parents called the beach we were at Connie Island, it was so filled with people and noise, but when I looked down the shore toward the afternoon sun, I noticed all the kids running back and forth from the water’s edge and their castles and sandy buckets, running between the rushing and receding foamy water. Skinny little twig legs and arms, sopping ponytails, the ruffled waist of a one-piece bathing suit, the diaper bulging beneath.

I rode the ferris wheel with my little 3-year-old cousin on one side of me and my 6-year-old cousin on the other. We put our hands in the air and the top and yelled as we flew back down toward the ground. The 3-year-old told me she liked the view from the tippy top. She squealed and pointed out the ocean to me. She said, “I like when the ferris wheel goes fast and my hair flies up.”

Then, my brother, sister, mom, dad, and I took a photo booth picture. Back to the original 5, the nuclear family, us 3 child adults and 2 parents. What are we?

I dreamed last night that a girl, maybe me, was loved by someone but couldn’t get to him, couldn’t leave the building she was captive because a looming, angry and unpredictable man-monster wouldn’t let her. This monster attacked anyone who looked his direction, and though not very big, he was stronger than any other man. So she hid and no one could save her, but no one could see her either, not her best friends, not even her dog. She became a tiny person, like a lilliput, hiding in tall grasses and swimming from one place to another unseen underwater. People tried shooting the monster with guns, but they were potato guns and the monster raged through the streets undeterred. The President was called. Then, the girl, with the hope that he could be stopped, but no idea of how to subdue him beyond the failed efforts everyone had already tried, came out of hiding. It was a terrifying dream. The man was not a man but the dark part of everything unknown. The girl was me.

And then this, the exact email I needed to get right now from a friend and brilliant writer who just read my essay in progress “Wife to Myself.” He told me he loves it, he said, “Your brain is amazing.” My weird brain. My heart is renewed

And, the tarot card reading Erika gave me!