Day 13

Day 13 – Something I heard on a episode of Elizabeth Gilbert’s podcast “Magic Lessons” caused me to examine the impetus of my desire to move.

In the episode, “Turn the brutal into the beautiful” Gilbert has a conversation with photographer Brandon Stanton (creator of the gorgeous and brilliant Humans of New York project. He explains the idea of courage, how courage is not something that happens by waiting around for it, but that you get it by doing what you are afraid of doing while you’re afraid of it. The latter is the important part, I think.

He goes on to say that “time is the most important commodity we have.” It made me of consider all the time I’ve spent trying to hold onto something I don’t really want. Stanton shares the story of how he went from a bonds trader to an artist. He’d always considered himself a creative person, then this prestigious job trading bonds fell into his lap. He told himself that he’d make his money, then carve out a space to make art. Two years later he lost the bonds trading job and realized he had spent 2 years of his life putting all his brain power into how to hold on to this job that wasn’t even what he wanted to be doing in the first place.

His solution was to make just enough money so that he could be in control of his time (or most of his time at least).

* * *

A few people have asked me why Berlin. I don’t speak German and it’s kind of a lousy time of year to go weather-wise, especially since I was dreaming of European swimming holes and crystalline waters lapping pebbled beaches. I dreamed it all through the smoky, firestorm this summer in LA has been.

Also, I did I mention that I’ve never been to Berlin? Nowhere in Germany, actually. 

I found myself saying, “I can stay in Berlin or I’ll travel around. I’m open. Italy this summer sounds nice. But, I could just as easily go Budapest.” 

The day I decided to move came after the most bizarre 36 hours, which began when I spent an impetuous and impassioned night with my new foreign lover who was returning to his homeland in less than a week. After a dreamy, soft morning with him in my white blanketed bed, drinking coffee from white coffee mugs, I got a call from my mom saying that an elder family member was put in hospice care and I needed to come immediately.

My brother and sister left work mid-day and together we drove to Newport Beach to see her. When we left the hospital, we breathed the air of the living and were grateful, so we went to the beach. We swam past the waves and I submerged my body and head in ocean, opening my eyes underwater, and floating onto my back so my toes pointed skyward. I felt part of the sea and everything else.

That evening, I got drunk accidentally at a Mexican food restaurant with my family, then fell sleep in the backseat of my sister’s car for a surreal drive back to LA with my brother at the wheel guiding us home. I woke up the next morning and thought, shit, I have to check email and see if I got that Dr. Phil job. That’s right, The Dr. Phil, but don’t get it excited, it was only a copy writing job for the website.

As I opened my computer, I got a sinking feeling that I didn’t want the job, actually. I told myself that if I got it, I’d take it because I want to be open to all possibilites and I need $$$. This would mean, however, that I’d keep living the same life I lived now, but 8 hours of my day would belong to the Dr. Phil.

I also told myself that if I didn’t get the job, I was moving to Berlin. No doubt about it. If I got scared or it felt difficult, I would power through. This was my promise.

I didn’t get the job. My ego felt a little pang of hurt, but it was followed by immense relief. And, of course it was a sign.

Like selling my ring. Doing something scary, but meaningful and deliberate, is LIBERATING. Deciding to leave my home has galvanized every part of my life.

Stanton prefaces his idea of courage begetting courage with the notion that becoming adept and accomplished at something happens the exact same way.

Practice and diligence is echoed all throughout the book Grit, too. Stanton’s advice really nails the point though: You become an expert by doing the thing, not by waiting for knowledge to impart itself on you.

I guess this is all to say that I see courage and expertise as inherently linked, both needed for taking that leap!