Day 14

(Leonard Cohen does a headstand on the side of the road while waiting for the broken-down tour bus (1974). Photo by Emily Bindiger)

Day 14 – In yoga today, the teacher said something that caused me to pause, “When you practice yoga it is for an audience of one. No one but you is watching to see if you push yourself or if you give yourself a break to rest. You decide what your body needs and give yourself that.”

I realized that in yoga, I often take the more challenging variation of a pose, even when I know I probably can’t do it. I also rest when I need to. Until she said this, however, I never actually noticed that I do this, probably, because I consider myself a vehemently non-competitive person. Nor am I an athlete. So opposed to sports participation and being forced into competition with my peers, that even in elementary I protested. If the volleyball or softball made it to me way out in left field, I’d raise my arm without even a feigned attempt at catching it or caring.

This was not considerate to my teammates, however.

Whatever it was about sports teams that caused me to reject them, probably my lack of confidence in my athletic ability paired with the fear of being hit with a ball, despite the fact boys constantly yelled out to me, “the balls not gonna bite you,” I understood that I liked doing physical things that I had total control over.

So, I practiced ballet. Sometimes, even today, when I have anxiety and want to still my mind or I can’t fall asleep at night, I envision myself doing barre exercises. I can them in my bones. They’re rigid movements and the routine brought be great pleasure.

In both ballet and yoga, the control I speak of, is more the idea of mastery. My body actually responds very quickly to these practices. I can see my muscles grow defined after just a few days. Pushing myself gives me a very visual reward that can’t get lost in my thoughts.

I couldn’t do a headstand yesterday, but today I can. I couldn’t do the splits yesterday, but today I can.

Because I’m not competitive with others, I’ve mistakenly thought that I’m not driven in all areas of my life. The teacher’s comment reminded me that I am dedicated, motivated, and self-confident.

I love strenuous movement that I can practice alone. Like writing. Like travel. It’s all kinda the same thing.