Day 15

(from a broadside I made in 2010 at Mills College)

Day 15 – In the early stages of an essay, I wrote the line, “I need the space to think differently.” Though it went through many drafts and revisions, that sentence stuck. The word “space” here works in two ways: 1) as in enough room, and (2) as in place, a new purposeful location.

The essay was titled, “Missing Person” or, sometimes, “I Go Missing.”

It was not about leaving, actually. Regrettably, it was not about making the decision to create a space or place where I could think differently, but about many failed attempts to do so, without really knowing what I was trying to do. I see, in retrospect, it was about wanting to change and move forward, but not knowing how or who I wanted to be.

Now, I understand that, if you try to leave without grounding yourself first, your spirit escapes and you go missing from yourself like smoke from the tip of a cigarette.

It can be hard, sometimes, to remember who you are. What makes you happy, what you love, who loves you, what you’re supposed to do. Giving works. Giving to others helps you let yourself back in. Maybe because in recognizing that others are forgivable animals, recognizing how much you love them, you can love it about yourself too.

In that vein, I like to re-read these opening verses in A Song for Occupations, from Whitman’s Leaves of Grass:

Come closer to me,
Push close my lovers and take the best I possess,
Yield closer and closer and give me the best you possess.